I put on my overcoat

and I start thinking about all that has happened in the past year. After a week of forgetting the world with people I barely even knew, another week of in-depth self-reflection seems almost... surreal. Exactly what happened in 2008? I feel as though I had been who I was, completely changed for the better, then completely changed for the worse, then wanted to be better again but couldn't. And yet now that I look at it, I really didn't change much after all. Rather, everybody else is changing, and I'm just stuck. Do I really want to be a constant in this ever-changing world? I'm so confused. I've heard that when you feel lost, you should think about times when you were happy. Not thrilled, just deeply happy. It's called following your bliss I think; I forgot where I heard that. I tried doing that, but it just made me feel rather... well, the Polish term for this feeling would be tesknota. Too bad they don't have an English word for it.

I saw my cellphone and started browsing through it. I had changed my phone once this year, but I had stored everything on the SIM card. It was also around Jan 2008 that I first started texting, so this was almost like taking a trip through the entire year all over again. I had the habit of saving texts that I found important to me. At the time anyway.

Trying to make some sense of this year was futile. It feels as though I've wasted a year. It seems I've done nothing, at least nothing that'll last. Made no impressions, affected nobody's lives. Did I do anything at all that had any meaning? My inbox suggested that there were times I felt as if I accomplished something, or made a difference; times that mattered, times that I wanted remembered. But in retrospect, maybe those times weren't that important after all. Everyone has forgotten so much, and soon I'll be the same. It's amazing how we can become so different in so little time.

My New Year's resolution is to stop drinking. For those who know me, I'm not joking. I mean, I'm not an alcoholic or anything, and I've never been drunk enough to not take responsibility for what I do, and I do enjoy...... anyway, the point is I don't want to forget anymore. Not like this.

I began listening to a compilation called "The Quiet Escape." I vaguely recall buying it last winter. I feel kinda stupid thinking about it. Just another thing no one really remembers anymore. On the other hand, I now have a decent background to work off of. My previous scripts may all be gone along with my harddrive, but maybe that's a good thing. A completely fresh start for this script.

But in preparation for the theme of script, I must examine a certain subject. People sometimes say that a death is more painful for the loved ones than it is for the deceased, because the dead feel no pain. I find that idea... explorable to say the least, because even though the living feel more pain, most would still rather feel that pain than die themselves. Now, a question that would seem to draw certain parallels to that concept is this: to forget or to be forgotten, which is more painful? Which is more saddening? Which is more preferable? Of course, many would say that those who forget are simply free. But what if you didn't want to forget? What if you knew you forgot, and yet knew you wanted to remember? And now I am hungry and heading out for food, which is why I put on my overcoat to begin with.