The truth is I bruise too easily.

Some times I just can't shake off this feeling of constant scrutiny.

And that's probably because it's not just a feeling.

I'm some times kinda jealous of those people who can post what they really feel on their facebook statuses, or say what they need to say through their gtalk/aim away messages. And it's not because I want to share it with anyone. I don't. I just want to right it somewhere that I know won't be erased, which would mean online. But I know that if I did, everyone would ask me what's wrong. And this is the only place private.

They'll be concerned. They'll try to help. And they'll be sad for me. And that's so messed up. Really, it's sad when they put themselves in a position where they think they can care about what deals with me. I'm not saying I am in a position to look down on them or care about them, but at least I know that I could actually help them. And quite frankly it's because they are helping themselves, except they're doing so indirectly by making me help them. The only people that can help people who need help are those people themselves. We only believe otherwise because we choose to have the help come from an external source, or at least tell ourselves it is so.

D told me that during my 5-hour deliberation, and I know for a fact those deliberations are mostly sessions where people try to either shit-talk or feign a superior portrait of sympathy, J had actually cried for me while talking to K. Cried for me? I was so amused. Especially when she's the one for whom I had to provide constant stabilising support and assistance? Maybe I'm sounding a bit bitter, but I was just uncharacteristically amused at the thought. It's almost as though because I never complain, never say I have problems, never bring up worries, that people think I am troubled? But I digress.

There are those people: they ones who care, and think they should, and think they are good because they do and saddened because they feel they can't do anything. Then there are those who are happy because they think that if they try they can do something and believe it. Then those who care and do but then care more about how they would be affected--how if I would still be one who can be credible as one to sustain people's unity and shared images.

"I just want to be let alone for a while. At least for a little while for once."

I thought about exactly what can let people be happy. And it's actually simple. Not easy, but simple. And it's just the world. It's to be the world and to have the world. To be known by everyone throughout the world, or to be loved by one. To have every thing there is to have in the world, or to have one. I don't know what's easier to achieve, but I honestly now think that the former is the easier to work towards, while the latter, well, I have to actively try to not think about. I shouldn't be naive, too hopeful. It seems so much smaller and so much closer. But it's not that the flip-side is it is actually far--it's that it was never even there. Actively being realistic means being free from fear.

Every once in a while I'm terrified.